Me, Myself and I need to have a conversation

I saw Marilyn today. That lady is so smart. She should have her own TV show. As you probably have read, I've been having really crazy, intense dreams lately. They are driving me crazy and making me not want to sleep. I told her about my night terror. First, I told her about work. So i've been in the PICU for two weeks on my own. And last week, my patient was very sick. I should say she became very sick on my shift. I had her two nights in a row, and on the second night she crumped in the last four hours of my shift. I felt proud of myself when I went home that day. I stayed in the situation, I didn't freak out or cry, I asked for help. I did everything in my power I could have done for the patient. The only frustration that I had about the situation was the fact that I was doing everything I could think of to make her better, and nothing was working. I left that morning feeling good about a bad situation. And then two nights later, I had that horrible dream. It wasn't specifically about her, but it was about work. I knew immediately that the reason I had the dream was because of what had happened at work. But I still didn't understand. If I wasn't upset while I was awake, why was I upset while I was sleeping. Obviously, there is a bigger issue presenting itself. I almost called Marilyn for an emergency session because the dream really f'd me up. But I didn't. I worked through it knowing that I would see her soon. So today, we talked about it. She said that the reason that the situation that I was dreaming about was of course, related to what had happened at work. That I felt like I was out of control of the situation, of the patients health. There was nothing that I could have done about what happened to her. It was out of my hands. She told me that whenever anything like this comes up for me, Derek may be present. As he was in my dream. He didn't play a significant role, he wasn't the reason why I was upset. But he was there. The situation with Derek is and has been for a long time out of my control. I did everything I could to make the situation okay, to resolve it and move on. I've done my healing, my moving on, my acceptance of the situation. The rest of it is out of my control. The rest of it was on him. And he chose not to deal with any of it. That makes me uneasy because I am not in control of the situation. His decision to deal with (or not deal with) the end of our relationship was not my ideal situation. It's not how I would have picked for it to end. And that makes me feel out of control. So the two situations are parallel. And because I felt so out of control for so long, anything resembling me being out of control may take me back to that place.

We also talked about the decisions I have been making lately. Before Marilyn (BM hehe), I made poor decisions all the time. I put myself in harms way. We don't need to go into what they were. The difference between now and then is that I didn't give my choices a second thought, or think about them before they occurred. I just did whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. And now, I think about things before I do them. And I actually say to myself, "This is not a good idea. I shouldn't do this", or "I know I don't need ANOTHER hair product, I should put it down and walk away". Half the time I make the right choice. Half the time, especially if its really enticing, I make the choice I know I shouldn't make. And sometimes, after making the wrong choice, I actually feel guilty or ashamed or mad at myself. This is something new, because for a long time I had a no regrets type of attitude. But its frustrating! I told her that I feel like myself is split in half. One side is a 26 year old responsible girl who has everything going for her. The other side is a 19 year old girl who is lonely and thinks she can make herself happy by quick fixes. I know I'm making bad decisions and I know what the right decision is, but I make the wrong one anyway! What the F? So, this is what Marilyn had to say. When we are kids our parents tell us what we can and can not do. There are rules, curfews, and someone telling you no. When you start becoming an adult, you are making decisions for yourself for the first time. You suddenly realize that you can do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And then you start realizing there are consequences for your actions. Yes, you can stay up until 3 in the morning. But if you have to get up for work at 7am, your life is going to suck that day. You are going to be tired at work. So you learn the consequences, and you start making the right decisions. You don't stay up until 3 am on nights that you have to work in the morning, because you don't want to be tired at work. And this is what I said to her (because sometimes I'm smart too). "Sooo...marilyn, you know how I always have said that after my break-up I reverted back to my 19 year old self"

M: "yes..."

L: "During my relationship, It was kind of like having a parent. I wasn't able to spend extra money, because I always had to absorb his living costs. And I couldn't have sex with other people, because I was in a relationship (and didn't want to). I had to be the responsible one in the relationship, the one making the right decisions, the one reminding the other to pay his parking tickets or call his mom. And so, once i got out of that, for lack of a better phrase, shit hit the fan."

M: "Exactly. So now you are beginning to head in the right direction. Lindsay, this is a process. It takes time, and like we said before, you have to be patient. You have to be patient with yourself, and the process of learning and growing. How many times did you stay out drinking with your friends even though you knew you had a class in the morning? How long did it take you to learn the lesson that you don't want to feel like crap in the morning?"

L: "So I need to just continue having that dialogue in my head then, and one day it will click. I need to sit down and have a conversation with me, myself and I".

Today was our last session for now. Unfortunately Marilyn needs to get special approval because she is not within my insurance group. She thinks that she can get 3 or 4 more approved. And thats scary to me because I feel like I have just started, that I still have so much to work on. And that I need her advice. I've been to therapy twice before, with two different therapists. And I have lied to every single one of them. Because I thought i would be judged. I don't lie to Marilyn. I tell her everything. She is probably in her 50's, and we talk about sex frequently. When I do something I don't want to tell anyone about, I am afraid to tell her, but I always tell her. She helps me understand why I do some of the things that I do. We have a very professional relationship, that is also very personal. Sometimes I wonder what she really thinks when she goes home at night. I know she probably is used to the stuff that I talk about with her, but I can't help thinking she might think I'm a little crazy. But in the words of a good friend, "a little crazy is perfect".