Patience is a virtue

I am not a patient person. I can be patient. I can patiently wait to get my oil changed. I can patiently wait for my clothes to dry in the dryer. But if it is something that I really really want, I am not patient. For instance, the other day I used my friends hot rollers. After I used them, I really wanted some for myself. So even though I didn't have a lot of money in my bank account, I went out and bought them the next day. I should have patiently waited until my next pay check and bought them then. I am so inpatient when I want something I will go to extremes to get it. When Derek and I broke up, I wanted SO badly to be over it, to be done. When I found out how many girls he had cheated on me with, I gave myself one week to get over it. One week to be sad. HA! That worked out well for me, obviously. Now when I go out on dates, I want to feel comfortable. I want to really care about someone, I want to have that closeness again. And if I don't have that right away, I'm done. I move on to the next person. Needless to say, constantly disappointed. I don't want to wait. I want it now. Marilyn says that this is the little kid in me. The portion of myself that is still immature. We talked about this the other day. I realized something important. Every meaningful relationship I have in my life with my friends, has taken time. Many of my friends I have had for years and years. These are the people that I can depend on. That are there for me when my car breaks down, or when I need a ride, or when I need to eat dinner, they feed me. I visited the family I used to babysit for, for many years. They have six kids. The triplets were eight months old when I started working for them, and they are about to turn five now. I haven't seen them since October. I know there is a reason for that. Derek was really involved with their family, he used to take the boys to the skate park every single weekend. There were a lot of memories there. Every time I went up there, the boys would ask me about him. The triplets would say to me "Li Li, where's derek?". Heartbreaking. How do you explain that to them? They aren't my kids, although they always felt like it. But, they knew us as a couple. I got tired of saying that I didn't know where he was. So I stopped going up there. They are my second family down in San Diego. I can count on them for anything. But I couldn't do it anymore. So with my new found happiness, I went over to their house. I'm laying on the couch with one of the babies (they are five, and I still call them babies), Aubrey walks up to me and a smile comes across her face, "Li Li, you're here. I missed you. Where have you been?" I say "I know love, I miss you too, I've just been busy." She says "well it makes me really happy that you are here now." It makes me really happy that I am here now too. My relationship has evolved with their family over the years I've known them. I went from being an employee to a family member. My point here is that it takes time. You don't trust someone, love someone, depend on someone overnight. What if I had wanted my relationship with their family to be what it is now, when I first started? That would have been weird right? Well, this carries on into my life now. I don't know how to date, because I don't know how to be patient. I don't know how to learn to love someone. I feel like it is something that should just happen right away. But it doesn't. So this week, I told Marilyn I wanted to work on patience. She said to me "With patience, comes difficulty. So be prepared."

Peace Out- MY SECRET

5/1/02, 8/22/02, 10/20/02, 1/13/03, 2/10/03, 7/14/08, 10/1/08, 12/31/08, 1/20/09, 1/12/10, 1/20/10
I have an uncanny ability of remembering things. I'm the type of person that will remember something someone I barely know is doing in two weeks from today, and then I will ask that person how their trip was three weeks later. I remember clothes I was wearing on specific days and what TV shows I was watching....from when I was seven. It's kind of cool, except when you are going through a break up. Then you remember everything. And all you want is for it to go away. You don't want those days to have meaning anymore.
So y'all want to know what my secret is. You have been waiting and waiting, and in truth, you probably won't care. It's really not that exciting. If you read what I wrote about sundays, you might have had a hint. A couple days later, I saw Marilyn. I told her my secret. She told me to hold on to it for a little bit. I woke up on January 10, 2010 and the day I had been waiting for, for so long had finally come.
Ever since this whole thing started, I knew that one day I would wake up and be fine. I would be over it. I would fall out of love with Derek. (Because that was what was so hard about this- I knew I shouldn't have been with douchelord anymore, after six years I was headed in one direction and he was headed in the complete opposite. But I was still in love with him, and he wasn't in love with me anymore- breaking up wasn't my decision, I wasn't in control, and thats why it hurt so bad). And I would be great, better even. I didn't know how long it would take. I didn't realize how slowly time would pass. I didn't have any clue how or when I would hit rock bottom. I kept waiting, and two sunday's ago it happened.
So here it is. My Secret. I am happy. The heavy weight on my chest is gone, the pit in my stomach isn't there anymore. There is a lightness in my chest that I can't explain. I finally fell out of love with Derek. On my drive home from Marilyn's- the day I first said something about my secret on fb, I heard a song on the radio that I have avoided for the past year, and I started crying. But it was weird. I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying because I was truly happy again. I was crying because I don't hate him anymore, I just simply don't care. What is that saying? Indifference is worse than hatred? I don't know, I'm bad at sayings. But I didn't want to jinx it. Thats why I couldn't tell you. Yesterday 1/20/10, was one year to the day that we broke up. I anticipated that it would be a bad day. I thought I would be sad. I wasn't. It was a great day. Marilyn and I had a chat yesterday. I read her a piece of my journal from 1/20/09. We talked about closure. We talked about hitting rock bottom. We talked about just accepting that some people just aren't who we think they are, and the disappointment that can cause. I told her that I didn't realize that I could have physical pain in my heart from it breaking, and that now that it wasn't there anymore, I realized just how bad I was hurt. And how that hurt took me to a place that I had never been before, a place where I was lost, where I didn't know myself anymore. A place where I continued to blame Derek for every bad thing that happened to me over the past year. Everything was his fault, if he hadn't stopped loving me I would have or have not......fill in the blank.
I told an old friend that my least favorite saying in the entire world was "everything happens for a reason". He told me this: 'Lindsay, things do not happen for a reason. Things just happen.' Thanks B, your pearls of wisdom gave me a new perspective. I was throwing a pity party for myself for the past year and blaming it on someone else. Once I began to realize that things just happen, and really, how you deal with them shows your character. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I didn't care about myself or what happened to me for a long time. I was so used to caring for another person that that is where I held my worth. So when that person basically threw me in the trash, I felt like a piece of trash and treated myself accordingly....whether you realize it or not, I treated myself so badly, so careless.
So here I am. I still have love in my heart for him, I still miss him, I still wish I could talk to him, I still think about him. But I am not in love with him anymore, the hurt has been taken away. I have dealt with this the way that I needed to. I felt every second of every day for the past 365 days. It was one hell of a ride. So sorry this is so long, and sorry that my secret isn't something exciting or scandalous. But its important to me, and its hard to explain to people by talking. Because, guess what? I don't want to talk about it anymore! So I leave you with this quote, I found it in my journal from last year
"But it was right. My heart says yes, my eyes are laughing. I had to experience despair. I had to sink down to the most foolish of all thoughts, to the thought of suicide, in order to experience grace, to hear om again, to sleep properly again, and to awaken properly again. I had to become a fool in order to find Atman in me again. I had to sin in order to live again. Where will my way lead me now? This way is foolish, it runs in loops, it may run in a circle. Let it run as it will, I will follow it" - Siddhartha

My Secret

HA MADE YOU LOOK! YOU HAVE TO WAIT TO HEAR MY SECRET! JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

In a perfect world everyone would floss

This has been a topic of conversation lately amongst many different groups of friends. Everyone hates going to the dentist because every time they go, they feel that they get yelled at for not flossing, or not flossing enough, or are told they have some stage of gum disease. Everyone agrees that if they didn't feel like they were doing something wrong every time they went to the dentist, they would go more often and regularly. I couldn't agree more. I am physically scared of going to the dentist. I don't know why, but I actually feel a wave of nausea thinking about going. The sounds, how it feels when they touch the wrong spot, but mostly its the way they make me feel when I'm there. But as a part of the "new year, new you" theme, I will be making an appointment soon...and I use soon loosely, as in, within the year. But this has got me thinking, if everyone flossed in the world, there would be no gum disease, and dentists would dramatically lose a large part of their income. We all know that they aren't making the big bucks off of their 6 month check ups. They are making a shit ton of money off of the problems that are caused by people not flossing their teeth....so why do they get SO mad at you for not doing it, like its the end of the world and at the age of 26 you are going to lose all of your teeth? So this made me start thinking even more about the "bad stuff" in life. If cars didn't break down, mechanics wouldn't have jobs. If we didn't get sick, doctors and nurses and a whole slew of other people wouldn't have jobs. If our boyfriends didn't leave us for women in the cougar club, therapists wouldn't have jobs. If our backs didn't hurt, massage therapists wouldn't have jobs. If we didn't have days where we felt fat, all the people at the gym wouldn't have jobs. If we didn't have hangovers, the mexican shop owners wouldn't have jobs. Do you get my point yet? All I'm saying is that bad stuff happens all the time. In fact, a lot of bad things happen to me all the time. I'll just use the example of my car. Whether its a flat tire, or two.... or its broken down completely, or the battery died, at this point I just roll with it. It sucks, but I laugh every time. People always say "you have the worst luck with that car, you should just get rid of it." I probably will get rid of it soon and get a new car (once my credit rating improves ). But that new car is going to eventually start having problems too, and I'm going to have to know how to cope with them. Life is never going to be perfect, there are always going to be problems and things that you wish would have turned out a different way. Instead of focusing on the negative side of everything, try to take a shitty situation and see what lesson you are learning from it, or just laugh about it. Because bad things aren't going to just stop happening one day. So, in a perfect world, yes, everyone would floss, cars would never break down, no one you love would get sick, your boyfriend would never choose a 45 year old woman over you, your back would never hurt, you would never feel fat or hungover. But these things make the world go round. And to all the Dentists out there, even if you use the best scare tactics, the entire world as a collective group of people are NEVER going to start flossing EVERY day, so please, stop being so mean about it.

I <3 Sundays, Sublime and Sleep

When you are going through a break up, here are the things that you hear most frequently: "Everything happens for a reason", "It was probably for the best", or my favorite "Time heals everything". People say these things to you because they don't know what else to say. Going through a break up for the most part, for most people, sucks ass. You feel like a part of you has died (this is especially true when you receive a SYMPATHY card from the mother of your ex- yes this is a true story), and even if the other person is a jerk, or has done something wrong and you are truly better off without them, it is still a big fat blow to your ego and unfortunately the simple fact that the other person doesn't love you anymore or doesn't want you, makes you WANT to be their other half even more.
So lets focus on "time heals everything". I heard this on a daily basis. "These things take time", "It will begin to get easier as time goes on" etc. Well, I'd like to give a big middle finger to time. When you are sad, lonely and/or lost, time is your worst enemy. All of the sudden, you have too much of it. Too much time to think, too much time by yourself, just too much. It goes by so slow, you don't know what to do with it. In my case, all I wanted to do to pass the time was sleep, and I couldn't sleep (insert four month addiction to ambien, I no longer abuse the substance I prefer melatonin). Also, when going through a breakup every single thing reminds you of the other person, which makes actually going out in public unbearable. Oh, there's the billboard that I used to pass when I was driving to his house. There's the street sign he punched once when we got into a fight, I used to drive on this freeway to get to his house. Or the more obvious ones such as restaurants, bars, stores etc. And let me tell you, when you spend six years with someone, there are a whole hell of a lot of things that remind you of the other person. So then you stay home, and there's we slept in this bed together, these sheets remind me of him, these tv shows and movies remind me of him, I used to wear this outfit all the time around him, I used to eat this kind of food with him all the time. SO basically, you can't eat, sleep, get dressed, watch any kind of entertainment, leave the house, drive in your car, go out in public without being reminded of the person who is making you feel miserable. So then what do you do? I sat a lot. Just sat. It was sad. Everyone knows that when you first break up, its not black and white and you still talk to that person once in awhile. Here's an example. I haven't called him in 1 day, six hours, 24 minutes and 3o seconds. Its probably okay for me to call him now. You call him, you either talk to him, and are more miserable. Or he doesn't pick up and you get pissed. And the countdown begins again. And you want a gold star because you waited 1 day, six hours, 24 minutes and 30 seconds before you called his sorry ass again. Well, time goes on- even if it feels like you are in one of those work dreams that keeps going and going and going. And slowly, you are able to get dressed, eat, and venture out of the house again. And when you do these things, you still get sad. But hey, at least you have something other than pj's on right? And then you start doing these things more and start enjoying yourself. You might get sad when you get home but for a small window of time you are having fun. Well, let me tell you how this pertains to sundays, sublime and sleep.
Today is Sunday January 11, 2010. Douchelord (thank you jen and courtney I now have a new nickname) and I broke up January 20, 2009. Today I woke up in my "bedroom" at jenn and adams house, went out to breakfast with beckels in OB, had mimosas, drove around in the sunshine listening to sublime (lindsay how you move so slllloooowwww), came home and took a really long nap with the cow. When I woke up, turned on the tv and started watching house, and thought to myself "I love sundays", immediately i thought, "whoa, I used to hate sundays". I hated sundays because no matter what happened on the weekend, sundays was our day together. Because when we broke up, I always wanted to call him on sunday. I hated sublime after we broke up because 40 oz to freedom was what douchelord had currently been listening to in his car when we broke up. I listened to sublime ALL DAY LONG, and thought to myself, why haven't I listened to this in a long time? I SLEPT ALL DAY LONG. I watched TV, I prepared and ate dinner. So, my point here. Is that it still hurts, im still sad, i still miss him sometimes. But.....I love sundays, sublime and sleep again. And it feels fantastic.

Show me what you got 2010, and oh ya, I'm grounded

Happy New Year!!!! Seriously. Thank god for the new year right? 2009 was shitty, shitty, shitty. I thought 2009 was going to be my year, and I was sorely mistaken. I mean, looking back, it hasn't been all bad. I went on a million vacations, got to spend quality time with a lot of really good friends, and learned a lot about myself. But shit, I felt like I was trudging through quick sand for the past 12 months. Every month brought a new surprise (please note sarcasm here). I didn't say they were good surprises, but I am not going to sit here and go through the past year month by month, that would be destructive. If you know me at all, you know what I'm talking about. It's 2010 and we are starting fresh. New Years Resolutions: Everyone makes them and everyone breaks them. I think its healthy to at least write some down.

• I will send Christmas cards next year
• I will go to the bar method 3 or more times a week because I love it and am paying for it
• I will remember to blog more, because on a day to day basis, a lot of funny stuff goes through my head and I like to share. Plus, its way better than saying i'm going to journal every day- i mean, who hasn't made that their new years resolution?
• I will remember to show appreciation for the people, places, and things that make a difference in my life.
  
• Most Important: I am going to remember that everything really happens for a reason, as corny as that sounds, it really does. And as shitty as somethings are that life throws at us, there is a purpose.

I think thats good. I know we're only six days in, and to be honest, I didn't get the start to 2010 I was quite hoping for. I had a really relaxing new years eve- on jenn's couch in my party dress with a bud light in my hand (a perfect evening, wouldn't have wanted to do anything else). But the first week of the new year, I was feeling pretty down. I think its because I had a second to pause and reflect on the happs of '09. I have been out of town consistently since July, I guess if we're being honest to try and distract myself. I finally had a few days to just be. And it turns out its a lot harder to just be than to go to new york, or the bay area, or palm springs, or vegas, or texas, or pinecrest, or santa barbara, or tahoe....and some of those places I have been to twice or three times since July. I literally was sitting in my room the other day, admist unpacked suitcases from two different trips, and I just was exhausted. I'm just so tired. So, I'm grounded. I am not leaving San Diego all of January, February, and March. I have to face reality, whether it be financial or personal. I just need to stay for awhile and just be.

A TIP FOR GUYS

I am taking a moment out of my day to write this helpful hint. WHEN taking a girl on a first date; Don't make her pick the place, ESPECIALLY if you are the one who asked her out in the first place, and then when a few suggestions are made, tell me that you don't want to go there without suggesting something else. We have established I am not a fan of TGIF, which is understandable. So really, you could suggest anywhere else and I would probably say "sure, that sounds great". I don't care where we go, I just don't want to decide where it is we will go. I don' t mind picking out a place for the second date, but a first date, really? That just shows you are putting no effort into it. Apparently, you want a gold star for driving 20 minutes out of your way. I can already tell this isn't going to work out, and all you had to do was suggest a place to have a drink, other than TGI Fridays.