Bad dates, the gatekeeper theory, and marilyn

Despite being on my deathbed, I woke up this morning because I had an appointment with Marilyn. So I got out of bed, threw on a different pair of sweats (trying to be classy), put my hair up and drove to my appointment. Sniffles and all. She asks me if when I get sick, I get sad. Putting two and two together, I tell her, why yes, I have been a little more sad this week than usual. Plus, I went out on this horrible, no good date the other night. All of these things combined have made me miss the "comfortableness" of being in a relationship. Being sick made me want someone to take care of me, which made me sad. Going out on an awkward, scary date made me want to be "comfortable" with someone.
We started talking about the awkwardness of dating. This forced situation where you are trying to get to know the other person in a short amount of time. Let me just give you some background. This guy wants to go out somewhere "casual". I'm cool with casual. I like casual. All day I'm asking him if he had somewhere in mind. He keeps texting me back with "how about somewhere casual and quiet so we can talk". I get it. Casual. I understand. BUT WHERE? So at around 5:30 pm, he throws out TGI fridays. Okay. I can do TGI fridays. I've only been there once, I don't have anything against it. I'm just thinking its an odd choice for a first date. I mean, if you're trying to impress someone. Casual yes, quiet not so much. I think it would be more acceptable if you wanted to go watch some sort of sporting event. But as usual, I decide to roll with it. I get there to meet him, and recieve a text, "it's really loud here, must be family night do you know of anywhere else". Okay, its Friday night at TGI FRIDAYS- what did you think it was going to be like... a library? Whatever, so I suggest bennigans. It's not classy, not quiet, but its casual and right by my house, and at this point I'm already over the whole date. So we go in to bennigans, sit down and order a beer. He starts firing questions at me like its i'm on Larry King. But not nice, getting to know you questions. Inappropriate first date questions. For example: "whats the most tragic thing you have ever seen while working at children's hospital?". This is not appropriate. Nor do I want to discuss the answer to this question. I tell him I don't want to talk about it. Then he looks at my tattoo and asks what it says, I reply "Strength". He asks me what I got it for. I said, i've had a hard couple of years and I wanted something to remind me that I was able to move forward. Immediately "what happened". AGAIN, not appropriate first date question. I told him I would rather not talk about it. He continued to probe. At this point, I had already gone to the bathroom and texted roomsky that I was not having a good time, she replied asking me if she wanted her, roomsky 2 (her bf kenny), and diana to come save me. I replied no. I'm a big girl, I can get myself out of this situation. So i'm sitting at the table, I order another beer. WHO rolls in? Rooms, rooms 2 and Diana, wasted none the less, sitting across the room at the bar. I can't control it, i'm biting my cheeks to stop myself from laughing. I go to the bathroom (again), and meet roomsky in there. We start busting up. I tell her i'm going to figure out a way to wrap this up. So I come back to the table and the guy continues asking me inappropriate questions, so I just start throwing everything you are not supposed to say on a first date out there. In no particular order: "I hate men, I'm still not over my ex-boyfriend, all men lie and cheat, I don't want kids, I never want to get married", I said all of these things. hah! Then I tell him I'm tired and want to go home. We walk out, I say it was nice meeting him (lie), go back to my apartment and get a text from him "I would have walked you to your door and chilled for awhile". REALLY? did you get that good of a vibe from me? Anyways you want to know what happens after something like that? You go back to bennigans to meet your drunk three amigos, spend a significant time at the waterfront, go to pure platinum strip club, head back to bennigans and end the night eating in'n'out (see picture). Well anyways, the moral of this story, and how it ties in with marilyn.
I tell her all of this, and tell her how I don't understand dating, don't like dating and ask her how i'm supposed to be meeting potential boyfriends if i work with 99% women and the remaining 1% of men are either a.married b.in a relationship c.gay or d.having sex with minimum 10 other girls in the same establishment and loving their lives. When you are in school and you meet someone in class or you work at a restaraunt with guys you spend time with them, get to know them a little bit, know that there is some sort of chemistry at least before you go to TGI fridays with them!
The gatekeeper theory: She says, go out and do things you enjoy. Well, Marilyn, that's the problem. I don't really know what I enjoy doing. I spent the last seven years of my life taking care of someone else's needs and going to school. So I know I like to do certain things, but I don't have a hobby. Marilyn says, just go out and do things. Do things that you enjoy doing, spend time figuring out a hobby. You are going to have to try a lot of different things, but eventually, you will figure it out. And her theory is that if you go do things you enjoy, you meet other people who enjoy doing the same things. Here it is....wait for it...even if you meet a woman. That woman may become your friend. And that woman may have another group of friends. And that group of friends may include men. And maybe that group of people may introduce you to another group of people and another group of people etc...until you may meet someone who you actually enjoy spending your time with because you have something in common (unidentified hobby). So I'm going to start opening myself up a little more when i'm out doing things that I enjoy, and I'm going to try to do more things that i'm not sure if i'll like, but I will give them a shot. Then maybe next weekend, I won't end up at pure platinum.

Need to be needed... or things I learned about myself in 45 minutes I wish I would have figured out 6 years ago

It's not a surprise to me that I am a person who likes to be needed, who needs to be needed to feel good.  Look at my job.  I take care of sick children.  Kids who can't walk, kids who can't talk, kids who can't cough.  Beyond that, I looked at my life today as a theme.  Like when you were in English class and you read... lets just say, The Scarlet Letter, or Romeo and Juliet.  Both are entertaining stories, but your English teacher always made you look past the story.  There was always a different meaning, a theme, a lesson.  And when this is broken down, it is simple.

Monday's with Marilyn continue, and today was no different.  Today we talked about my need to be needed.  She explained it like this.  She has a friend who runs marathons who has a 3 year old daughter.  One day, her daughter was running up and down the hall pushing a baby stroller.  Her mom asked her what she was doing.  She said "I'm the mommy, I run and go to work.".  Anyways, the point was, we learn from our parents from a very young age.  Both of my parents need to be needed.  It makes them feel good.  Without going into it too much, they may bitch about it but they both do this.  It is a learned behavior.  I will be unlearning this.

When derek and I broke up, the hardest part was that I was no longer needed.  I'm going to be very frank here.  He needed me.  He needed me to hold his life together.  At 19, when he got kicked out of his house and had nowhere but his car to live, he needed me.  When he was 20 and his dad passed away, he needed me.  He needed me to drive him to work every day at 21, 22 when he didn't have a car.  At 23, when he lost his job and needed a place to live, he needed me.  At 24 he needed me to help him pay his insurance for a year, so his mom would give him a car.

And at 25, he decided he didn't need me anymore.

Wow, when you lay it out like that, it's pretty F'd up.  But I never felt like I was doing anything wrong.  I never felt used once.  I never felt like he didn't love me.  I was helping someone I loved, because I was more fortunate in life and was provided more opportunities.  And you can look at this and say, she is stupid, he is a douche bag, or whatever you want.  But no one knows, nor will understand the things that we shared, the lessons we learned together, or the love we had for each other.  First loves.  You learn a lot.  I don't regret these things, I don't regret the time we were together.  Maybe I wish I'd learned some of these things earlier, but I don't wish they never happened.  You can't regret years 19-25 of your life.  You just can't.  I can't.

After we broke up, the second time... I was so broken, so lost (insert drunk/selfish/irresponsible lindsay), so not needed by someone, that I continued to pay his cell phone bill for 5 months.  I mean, really?  Appalling, disgusting, insert your own opinion here.  But it made me feel better.  I had lost the thing in my life that had made me feel valuable.  During the time in our relationship I had stopped caring about me, and did everything to care about him.  I didn't know how to take care of myself anymore.  With losing the one thing in my life that identified me, I lost myself further.  What the F was I thinking?  

This is the bottom line.  If the roles were reversed, if he did everything I did for him, for me... and one day, I woke up and decided I wasn't in love with him anymore, that I had found someone else, and then knew how bad he was hurting, how much he didn't understand.  I would have been there for him.  I would have made sure he knew how much I appreciated every single thing he had done for me, I would have been honest with him, I would have apologized, sincerely.  I wouldn't have run away to east county with my 40 year old significant other/parent (because really, he just found someone else to take care of him), leaving him broken, confused, hurt, sad alone.  But thats what he did.  He wasn't, isn't, nor do I want him to be this person.  Thats why our relationship worked so well.  I was a giver, he was a taker.  I trusted, was positive, saw the good in every situation and he used that to his advantage.  He drained me, sucked the life out of me.  He has shown who he is.  I don't understand why anger hasn't set in, perhaps its a self-defense mechanism.  I'm not angry, and I'm not sad anymore.  I'm gaining understanding, and with understanding comes acceptance.  And with acceptance comes change.  I know someone who needs to be needed in my life.  And although this person loves me and I love them, I don't need them.  And when the need to be needed shows in them, it makes me cringe.  Maybe this happened with Derek, I gave him too much of myself.  So this week, I am learning healthy ways to show my appreciation for others, and i am figuring out the ways in which I need to be appreciated.  He may have loved me, I don't know anymore, but mostly, he needed me.  And I needed to be needed.

Remember to always make room in the shower.. for your beer and watch out for midgets at the goodwill

This is a very important lesson I learned from rooms.  Rooms, roomsky, or roommate when I'm mad at her, is Emily.  My current domestic partner.  We work well together.  We both keep weird hours and like drinking beer.  Our "grocery" shopping lists are uncannily similar.  Bread (for toast), butter, 16 oz container of 2% milk, kraft mac n' cheese, 18-24 pack of either miller light, coors light, or bud light (we like to change it up), cheese, wheat thins, coffee, and once in a while something grown from the ground or tree.  I've gained a lot from rooms; the ability to lose things such as keys, more often.  I've learned that thrift store shopping for clothes, books, and wall hangings are amazing.  And I've learned to always make room in the shower for my beer.  If you've never had a beer in the shower, I highly recommend it.  It makes taking a shower relaxing and fun at the same time!  When you get out of the shower, usually there is about 1/2 of said beer left, which is nice to partake in while blow drying your hair or putting make up on.  One thing we disagree on, however, is decor.  I'm pretty easy.  I don't really care about what hangs on the wall, unless its offensive.  Although we are pretty liberal here.  We have crafts from around the world.  Day of the dead skeletons from spain, aloe plants from La Mesa, a porcelain cat that looks like its from China, photographs from pacific beach, candlesticks from a dissolved marriage, and a lot of children's books.  One day, rooms came home from the thrift store with a wall hanging.  At first I thought, "oh thats nice that we will have something hanging on the empty wall above the fire place".  The place is beginning to look festive.  However, as time went on, and I actually looked at the painting, it started to freak me out.  It is creepy.  I will attach a photo, tell me what you think.  But I think that there is a old lady ghost in the creepy lace covered window.  Like I said though, I don't really care.  Last weekend, rooms and I were talking about our living room and discussing why we don't really use it that much, in the five months i've lived here, we've turned the TV on twice, once just to see if it worked.  The conversation started out with the couch, it sinks in the middle, and we talked about ways to improve this.  I mentioned that I thought the reason that I don't sit in the living room much is related to the "creepy picture".  Rooms became outraged, she could barely control herself as she ripped the painting off the wall.  There was a scuffle, no one was injured.  And now, the creepy picture is hanging on her wall above the very computer I'm sitting at right now.  It is haunting me.  But it is rooms' room, and she is allowed to express herself in any way she wants.  SO, then after our "fight", I decide to go to the thrift store to see if I could find any wall hangings so that Rooms won't be mad at me anymore, a sort of peace offering.  I had great success, I purchased many things.  Three dresses, a pair of jeans, four new books, a bubba keg (Jenn- I couldn't pass this up!  It was only three dollars and its giant), and a NEW wall hanging, all for 30 dollars (don't judge, I am helping people learn how to work).  The wall hanging was a nice poem about friendship.  It was a little old school, but it goes with our "grandmother's house" decor theme of the living room.  I walk up to the counter and my favorite goodwill point loma store clerk is working.  I don't know her name, but everyone knows who she is because she is a "little person" (is that the politically correct term?  I figure since on TLC they have a show called "little people, big world").  Anyways, she is diligently packing up my new treasures and sees the wall hanging.  She becomes very excited about how nice it is, and begins to read the poem aloud, and then comments on how much she likes it.  I sort of chuckle to myself because, in all reality, I'm not taking the wall hanging seriously.  I bought it not for the aesthetics, but rather the irony of it.  Me and roommate got in a verbal/physical argument about a wall hanging, so I bought her a wall hanging about friendship in order to make up for it, plus it matches the grandmother theme.  So I go home, and have to get ready for work, rooms is at work so I was going to wait to give her the wall hanging the next day.  I get home in the morning, am all excited to give it to her.  Go through my goodwill bags and the wall hanging in NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!  I can't believe it.  I can't believe that I left the goodwill without checking my bags for everything and I am pretty sure that the worker had to have it, and made that happen.  I'm going to try to go back, but I'm pretty sure it will be gone forever.  So lessons learned..... remember to make room in the shower for your beer, and watch out for midgets at the good will.

Mondays with Marilyn

Marilyn is my therapist.  I just started seeing her last week, on Monday.  Okay, so I blew it today.  I completely overslept and missed my appointment.  I'm bummed, because I was looking forward to this.  I think that there is something to be said about talking about your life with someone who has an unbiased opinion.  I've tried talking to someone before.  When my parents got divorced, I was 20.  I thought the right thing to do was to see a therapist.  So I went.  She told me that I should break up with my boyfriend, there were red flags.  I got pissed, never went back.  But, she was right.  You know how people say that young adults "think that they know everything".  I thought I knew everything, I thought I was in control of my life, that I knew the right answers.  I didn't know everything, and I don't know everything now.  But, what I do know is that therapy only helps when the person is ready to talk about issues, and ready to hear the response, the truth.  Because it's not always easy.  So, about a month ago, I hit a turning point and decided that I was ready to go.  Here is what it looked like, its 11 am, I get off the airplane from VEGAS (had been there for 5 days... who does that really?), picked up my car and head straight to Marilyn's.  No change of clothes, no shower.  Nice first impression.  I sit down and she asks me why I am there.  I just started laughing, like belly laughing.  And I said, a lot of reasons, do you want me to start with one or just start talking, she told me to just say everything.  I proceeded to word vomit for the next 45 minutes.  She didn't say very much and she had two pages front and back of notes.  After I had finished my story, I looked at her and said "you wanted me to tell you everything all at once, right?".  And she said..."I like your style, I like to start off the ground running".  I asked her if my life was doomed.  She looked at me and said, "your odds are against you, but thats why we are here.  You have chosen to acknowledge your past and change your future."

Target Anonymous

Hi, my name is Lindsay, and I'm addicted to Target...... It started a long time ago.  Probably about 16 years ago if I had to take a guess.  My mom used to take me there, or any other drug store/shopping establishment for fun.  To make us feel better on a day where we weren't feeling the best, or on a rainy day.  Because really, hair products, make-up products, a new book, new underwear, new sheets... makes everyone feel better, right? And you can get it all there.  Well, now I have a problem.  I'm addicted.  If I'm bored, sad, lonely, happy, excited I head for target.  If I need toilet paper, I go to target.  To make it worse, I live 1 block away.  It's not just the frequency of my trips to target that causes the problem.  It's the amount of money I spend while at target.  Despite my best efforts, I cannot leave without spending a minimum of 100 dollars.  Why this amount, I'm not sure.  It's not that I'm in financial ruin over this, its just that I could be spending/saving my money on other things.  Like food, clothes, gas, water... the essential things that you need in life to survive.  It seems that 3 days before I get paid every two weeks, I end up living on 20 dollars.  If I didn't make that trip to target, I would have 120 dollars, and life would be simpler, I wouldn't be eating only toast for three days, or borrowing five dollars from my roommate for gas.  I recognize this.  But I rationalize each trip, every time.  For example this is what happened the last time I went to pick up my birth control (because in mission valley, this is the closest pharmacy)... 1 yellow wallet (because it was yellow), a candle (on sale), scrapbook (4 dollars on sale), 2 birthday cards, scotch tape, double sided tape (for scrap booking-which I haven't done in over 2 years), index cards (?), ribbon (dollar bin), legal pads (?), magnet clips for the fridge, notebook.  Granted... I controlled myself and spent only 75 dollars.  I guess its an improvement.  So I am going to make a conscious effort to avoid target at all costs.  When I have to go once a month for my prescription, I will take a ten dollar bill inside, and leave my wallet in the car.  I wonder if I can go three months without spending more than ten dollars there.  Does anyone else have this problem?  I will keep you posted.

Just a quick note to start...

If you are someone reading this; a friend, co-worker, family member, bartender, roommate, homeless person :), or stranger who has been around for the past year of my life, you probably have a good idea of what I have been going through.  First of all, I want to say thank you.  Thank you if I haven't said it, thank you again if I have.  Thank you for listening to me, for hugging me, for wiping my tears away, for buying me a bud light.  Even if you didn't know how I was feeling, 9 times out of 10, I would put money on the fact that you did or said something that helped me get through the hour,the day, or the night.  To clarify, I'm not starting this blog in order to continue talking about the hurt and betrayal of the end of my almost six year relationship to the person I thought was the love of my life. HA- that sounds bitter, but its not.  I have a lot to say, a lot up there in the noggin, and I was feeling that the frequency of my facebook status updates were getting a little out of control :), and possibly misinterpreted.  When the relationship ended, my life changed completely.  Unfortunately, I thought that you go to college, meet a guy, fall in love, start your career, get married, and have children.  That was the story I had in my head.  I've learned a lot.  I have learned that is not my path right now, nor is it the right path for everyone.  In the process, as many know, I reverted back to my 19 year old self.  I guess thats the coping mechanism my brain chose.  So, I also want to apologize... for being different, irresponsible, careless, not myself, or distant.

My goal for this blog is to share funny stories, lessons learned, experiences encountered.  I'm not going to sit here and say that there won't be things on here that will be sad, shocking, even disturbing.  I'm not promising that there won't be things on here about derek.... ( he he I feel like I just said the F word).  Because, while I'm happy now and at peace with the direction my life is going, there is a deep rooted hurt and a part of me that still doesn't understand.  

This is for myself.  It's something different, a place for me to reflect and share.  There is no road map for life i've discovered.  Everyday is different.  So I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I move forward.