I want to remember this. I want to document it. I had a dream last night. This is not unusual, however, the dream had a lot of significance. Frequently I used to dream about derek. There were two versions of said dream. The first was that derek and I would spend time together, and I would be happy, and I would ask him to let me go, and he would tell me to please just hold on a little bit longer and when I would wake up, there was always a number associated with the dream, 6. 6 what? 6 days? 6 months? 6 years? Is this how long he wanted me to wait? I don't know. The second dream was that we would be spending time together doing something, and he would have to go to the bathroom. And I would beg him to stay. Plead with him. I didn't want him to leave me alone. And he would always go. And he would always go with her. And I would be so sad again. I haven't had one of these dreams in awhile. Last nights dream was different. I was at a friends house. Derek and his significant other lived across the street. I didn't want to go over there, I was insistent on not talking to him. But I kept looking out the window. And I saw one of his friends pull up in the driveway, so I knew that he was home. And then my friend told me that him and Pam had gotten married. So at that point, I said F it, I'm going to go talk to him. So I went over to his house, and they were having a party. I let myself in. When he saw me, he came over to me and hugged me. We went outside and sat on the steps and talked. His presence was calming. Pam saw us together and gave us the opportunity to talk. I asked him why he got married. He said his sister gave him the money to propose and strongly urged him to do so and this was largely the reason he did it. I was okay with it. I wasn't hurt. Then I told him I needed a kidney. I needed a kidney transplant and no one was a match. Would he go and get tested and if it was a match, give me his kidney. He said yes.
That was it. That was my dream. I think it shows my acceptance of the situation, and in the dream he was giving me a tangible gift of thanks. He was helping me. He was showing me that he cared about my life. He was saving my life. He was giving me what he owed me. He was giving me a body organ.
Now the weird part, I went to my friends house today. And this is a friend I met because of derek. And he happened to be out with her husband. And all of the sudden, he was coming over to their house. And I was there. And in a year, we've managed to avoid this particular situation. And when they got there, we escaped out of the house. And I didn't see him or talk to him, nor did I want to. It was weird because of my dream last night. I was talking to her about it, and I told her that it made me nervous and my stomach upset. But I wished it didn't have to be that way. I realized that I'm not the one making it that way. I would be able to handle myself. He doesn't want to see me because of the fear that if his girlfriend found out she would be mad. And thats silly and sad. Because it doesn't have to be that way. But it is. I suppose I will never get a chance to tie the relationship up in a package and tuck it away in the closet. I won't get the chance to tell him what I want to, that I am happy and that I look back on our years together with a smile instead of with anger and hurt. And that sucks, because I think it would make things easier, maybe better for him. He could feel better about himself knowing that he didn't ruin me. Or maybe he just doesn't care if he ruined me or not. And I guess I have to accept that. I don't understand it. But I have to accept that I didn't know him at all, ever. He wasn't the person I thought he was.
So to him I guess I just have to say, I'll see you on the flip side...for now i'll catch you in my dreams.
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