Peace Out- MY SECRET

5/1/02, 8/22/02, 10/20/02, 1/13/03, 2/10/03, 7/14/08, 10/1/08, 12/31/08, 1/20/09, 1/12/10, 1/20/10
I have an uncanny ability of remembering things. I'm the type of person that will remember something someone I barely know is doing in two weeks from today, and then I will ask that person how their trip was three weeks later. I remember clothes I was wearing on specific days and what TV shows I was watching....from when I was seven. It's kind of cool, except when you are going through a break up. Then you remember everything. And all you want is for it to go away. You don't want those days to have meaning anymore.
So y'all want to know what my secret is. You have been waiting and waiting, and in truth, you probably won't care. It's really not that exciting. If you read what I wrote about sundays, you might have had a hint. A couple days later, I saw Marilyn. I told her my secret. She told me to hold on to it for a little bit. I woke up on January 10, 2010 and the day I had been waiting for, for so long had finally come.
Ever since this whole thing started, I knew that one day I would wake up and be fine. I would be over it. I would fall out of love with Derek. (Because that was what was so hard about this- I knew I shouldn't have been with douchelord anymore, after six years I was headed in one direction and he was headed in the complete opposite. But I was still in love with him, and he wasn't in love with me anymore- breaking up wasn't my decision, I wasn't in control, and thats why it hurt so bad). And I would be great, better even. I didn't know how long it would take. I didn't realize how slowly time would pass. I didn't have any clue how or when I would hit rock bottom. I kept waiting, and two sunday's ago it happened.
So here it is. My Secret. I am happy. The heavy weight on my chest is gone, the pit in my stomach isn't there anymore. There is a lightness in my chest that I can't explain. I finally fell out of love with Derek. On my drive home from Marilyn's- the day I first said something about my secret on fb, I heard a song on the radio that I have avoided for the past year, and I started crying. But it was weird. I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying because I was truly happy again. I was crying because I don't hate him anymore, I just simply don't care. What is that saying? Indifference is worse than hatred? I don't know, I'm bad at sayings. But I didn't want to jinx it. Thats why I couldn't tell you. Yesterday 1/20/10, was one year to the day that we broke up. I anticipated that it would be a bad day. I thought I would be sad. I wasn't. It was a great day. Marilyn and I had a chat yesterday. I read her a piece of my journal from 1/20/09. We talked about closure. We talked about hitting rock bottom. We talked about just accepting that some people just aren't who we think they are, and the disappointment that can cause. I told her that I didn't realize that I could have physical pain in my heart from it breaking, and that now that it wasn't there anymore, I realized just how bad I was hurt. And how that hurt took me to a place that I had never been before, a place where I was lost, where I didn't know myself anymore. A place where I continued to blame Derek for every bad thing that happened to me over the past year. Everything was his fault, if he hadn't stopped loving me I would have or have not......fill in the blank.
I told an old friend that my least favorite saying in the entire world was "everything happens for a reason". He told me this: 'Lindsay, things do not happen for a reason. Things just happen.' Thanks B, your pearls of wisdom gave me a new perspective. I was throwing a pity party for myself for the past year and blaming it on someone else. Once I began to realize that things just happen, and really, how you deal with them shows your character. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I didn't care about myself or what happened to me for a long time. I was so used to caring for another person that that is where I held my worth. So when that person basically threw me in the trash, I felt like a piece of trash and treated myself accordingly....whether you realize it or not, I treated myself so badly, so careless.
So here I am. I still have love in my heart for him, I still miss him, I still wish I could talk to him, I still think about him. But I am not in love with him anymore, the hurt has been taken away. I have dealt with this the way that I needed to. I felt every second of every day for the past 365 days. It was one hell of a ride. So sorry this is so long, and sorry that my secret isn't something exciting or scandalous. But its important to me, and its hard to explain to people by talking. Because, guess what? I don't want to talk about it anymore! So I leave you with this quote, I found it in my journal from last year
"But it was right. My heart says yes, my eyes are laughing. I had to experience despair. I had to sink down to the most foolish of all thoughts, to the thought of suicide, in order to experience grace, to hear om again, to sleep properly again, and to awaken properly again. I had to become a fool in order to find Atman in me again. I had to sin in order to live again. Where will my way lead me now? This way is foolish, it runs in loops, it may run in a circle. Let it run as it will, I will follow it" - Siddhartha