Need to be needed... or things I learned about myself in 45 minutes I wish I would have figured out 6 years ago

It's not a surprise to me that I am a person who likes to be needed, who needs to be needed to feel good.  Look at my job.  I take care of sick children.  Kids who can't walk, kids who can't talk, kids who can't cough.  Beyond that, I looked at my life today as a theme.  Like when you were in English class and you read... lets just say, The Scarlet Letter, or Romeo and Juliet.  Both are entertaining stories, but your English teacher always made you look past the story.  There was always a different meaning, a theme, a lesson.  And when this is broken down, it is simple.

Monday's with Marilyn continue, and today was no different.  Today we talked about my need to be needed.  She explained it like this.  She has a friend who runs marathons who has a 3 year old daughter.  One day, her daughter was running up and down the hall pushing a baby stroller.  Her mom asked her what she was doing.  She said "I'm the mommy, I run and go to work.".  Anyways, the point was, we learn from our parents from a very young age.  Both of my parents need to be needed.  It makes them feel good.  Without going into it too much, they may bitch about it but they both do this.  It is a learned behavior.  I will be unlearning this.

When derek and I broke up, the hardest part was that I was no longer needed.  I'm going to be very frank here.  He needed me.  He needed me to hold his life together.  At 19, when he got kicked out of his house and had nowhere but his car to live, he needed me.  When he was 20 and his dad passed away, he needed me.  He needed me to drive him to work every day at 21, 22 when he didn't have a car.  At 23, when he lost his job and needed a place to live, he needed me.  At 24 he needed me to help him pay his insurance for a year, so his mom would give him a car.

And at 25, he decided he didn't need me anymore.

Wow, when you lay it out like that, it's pretty F'd up.  But I never felt like I was doing anything wrong.  I never felt used once.  I never felt like he didn't love me.  I was helping someone I loved, because I was more fortunate in life and was provided more opportunities.  And you can look at this and say, she is stupid, he is a douche bag, or whatever you want.  But no one knows, nor will understand the things that we shared, the lessons we learned together, or the love we had for each other.  First loves.  You learn a lot.  I don't regret these things, I don't regret the time we were together.  Maybe I wish I'd learned some of these things earlier, but I don't wish they never happened.  You can't regret years 19-25 of your life.  You just can't.  I can't.

After we broke up, the second time... I was so broken, so lost (insert drunk/selfish/irresponsible lindsay), so not needed by someone, that I continued to pay his cell phone bill for 5 months.  I mean, really?  Appalling, disgusting, insert your own opinion here.  But it made me feel better.  I had lost the thing in my life that had made me feel valuable.  During the time in our relationship I had stopped caring about me, and did everything to care about him.  I didn't know how to take care of myself anymore.  With losing the one thing in my life that identified me, I lost myself further.  What the F was I thinking?  

This is the bottom line.  If the roles were reversed, if he did everything I did for him, for me... and one day, I woke up and decided I wasn't in love with him anymore, that I had found someone else, and then knew how bad he was hurting, how much he didn't understand.  I would have been there for him.  I would have made sure he knew how much I appreciated every single thing he had done for me, I would have been honest with him, I would have apologized, sincerely.  I wouldn't have run away to east county with my 40 year old significant other/parent (because really, he just found someone else to take care of him), leaving him broken, confused, hurt, sad alone.  But thats what he did.  He wasn't, isn't, nor do I want him to be this person.  Thats why our relationship worked so well.  I was a giver, he was a taker.  I trusted, was positive, saw the good in every situation and he used that to his advantage.  He drained me, sucked the life out of me.  He has shown who he is.  I don't understand why anger hasn't set in, perhaps its a self-defense mechanism.  I'm not angry, and I'm not sad anymore.  I'm gaining understanding, and with understanding comes acceptance.  And with acceptance comes change.  I know someone who needs to be needed in my life.  And although this person loves me and I love them, I don't need them.  And when the need to be needed shows in them, it makes me cringe.  Maybe this happened with Derek, I gave him too much of myself.  So this week, I am learning healthy ways to show my appreciation for others, and i am figuring out the ways in which I need to be appreciated.  He may have loved me, I don't know anymore, but mostly, he needed me.  And I needed to be needed.