Me, Myself and I need to have a conversation

I saw Marilyn today. That lady is so smart. She should have her own TV show. As you probably have read, I've been having really crazy, intense dreams lately. They are driving me crazy and making me not want to sleep. I told her about my night terror. First, I told her about work. So i've been in the PICU for two weeks on my own. And last week, my patient was very sick. I should say she became very sick on my shift. I had her two nights in a row, and on the second night she crumped in the last four hours of my shift. I felt proud of myself when I went home that day. I stayed in the situation, I didn't freak out or cry, I asked for help. I did everything in my power I could have done for the patient. The only frustration that I had about the situation was the fact that I was doing everything I could think of to make her better, and nothing was working. I left that morning feeling good about a bad situation. And then two nights later, I had that horrible dream. It wasn't specifically about her, but it was about work. I knew immediately that the reason I had the dream was because of what had happened at work. But I still didn't understand. If I wasn't upset while I was awake, why was I upset while I was sleeping. Obviously, there is a bigger issue presenting itself. I almost called Marilyn for an emergency session because the dream really f'd me up. But I didn't. I worked through it knowing that I would see her soon. So today, we talked about it. She said that the reason that the situation that I was dreaming about was of course, related to what had happened at work. That I felt like I was out of control of the situation, of the patients health. There was nothing that I could have done about what happened to her. It was out of my hands. She told me that whenever anything like this comes up for me, Derek may be present. As he was in my dream. He didn't play a significant role, he wasn't the reason why I was upset. But he was there. The situation with Derek is and has been for a long time out of my control. I did everything I could to make the situation okay, to resolve it and move on. I've done my healing, my moving on, my acceptance of the situation. The rest of it is out of my control. The rest of it was on him. And he chose not to deal with any of it. That makes me uneasy because I am not in control of the situation. His decision to deal with (or not deal with) the end of our relationship was not my ideal situation. It's not how I would have picked for it to end. And that makes me feel out of control. So the two situations are parallel. And because I felt so out of control for so long, anything resembling me being out of control may take me back to that place.

We also talked about the decisions I have been making lately. Before Marilyn (BM hehe), I made poor decisions all the time. I put myself in harms way. We don't need to go into what they were. The difference between now and then is that I didn't give my choices a second thought, or think about them before they occurred. I just did whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. And now, I think about things before I do them. And I actually say to myself, "This is not a good idea. I shouldn't do this", or "I know I don't need ANOTHER hair product, I should put it down and walk away". Half the time I make the right choice. Half the time, especially if its really enticing, I make the choice I know I shouldn't make. And sometimes, after making the wrong choice, I actually feel guilty or ashamed or mad at myself. This is something new, because for a long time I had a no regrets type of attitude. But its frustrating! I told her that I feel like myself is split in half. One side is a 26 year old responsible girl who has everything going for her. The other side is a 19 year old girl who is lonely and thinks she can make herself happy by quick fixes. I know I'm making bad decisions and I know what the right decision is, but I make the wrong one anyway! What the F? So, this is what Marilyn had to say. When we are kids our parents tell us what we can and can not do. There are rules, curfews, and someone telling you no. When you start becoming an adult, you are making decisions for yourself for the first time. You suddenly realize that you can do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And then you start realizing there are consequences for your actions. Yes, you can stay up until 3 in the morning. But if you have to get up for work at 7am, your life is going to suck that day. You are going to be tired at work. So you learn the consequences, and you start making the right decisions. You don't stay up until 3 am on nights that you have to work in the morning, because you don't want to be tired at work. And this is what I said to her (because sometimes I'm smart too). "Sooo...marilyn, you know how I always have said that after my break-up I reverted back to my 19 year old self"

M: "yes..."

L: "During my relationship, It was kind of like having a parent. I wasn't able to spend extra money, because I always had to absorb his living costs. And I couldn't have sex with other people, because I was in a relationship (and didn't want to). I had to be the responsible one in the relationship, the one making the right decisions, the one reminding the other to pay his parking tickets or call his mom. And so, once i got out of that, for lack of a better phrase, shit hit the fan."

M: "Exactly. So now you are beginning to head in the right direction. Lindsay, this is a process. It takes time, and like we said before, you have to be patient. You have to be patient with yourself, and the process of learning and growing. How many times did you stay out drinking with your friends even though you knew you had a class in the morning? How long did it take you to learn the lesson that you don't want to feel like crap in the morning?"

L: "So I need to just continue having that dialogue in my head then, and one day it will click. I need to sit down and have a conversation with me, myself and I".

Today was our last session for now. Unfortunately Marilyn needs to get special approval because she is not within my insurance group. She thinks that she can get 3 or 4 more approved. And thats scary to me because I feel like I have just started, that I still have so much to work on. And that I need her advice. I've been to therapy twice before, with two different therapists. And I have lied to every single one of them. Because I thought i would be judged. I don't lie to Marilyn. I tell her everything. She is probably in her 50's, and we talk about sex frequently. When I do something I don't want to tell anyone about, I am afraid to tell her, but I always tell her. She helps me understand why I do some of the things that I do. We have a very professional relationship, that is also very personal. Sometimes I wonder what she really thinks when she goes home at night. I know she probably is used to the stuff that I talk about with her, but I can't help thinking she might think I'm a little crazy. But in the words of a good friend, "a little crazy is perfect".

I don't want to dream anymore.

It's 4:41 am. I went to bed at 2. I just woke up out of breath and sobbing. I needed to go outside on the balcony for air because I couldn't breathe, I freaked rooms and the cow out, and probably my entire apartment complex because I couldn't stop crying. Not like, normal, I'm sad crying. But like somebody died unexpectedly crying. I don't want to dream anymore. The dreams have been building and building lately. They aren't happening every night, but when they do they seem so real and I wake up in the mood of the dream. I knew this one was going to come. On valentines day when I got off in the morning, I slept all day at my friends house because I knew that one of these was coming, and I thought it might come that day. It didn't.
Tonight I was at a fourth of July picnic. Everyone I knew was there. Everyone, even derek and his gf. He wouldn't talk to me, even though I kept trying. My parents were there, people from work were there. It was in someones house but their house was on a marina. And there were boats going by and fireworks. But the backyard was set up like my grandma's house, with two levels. Inside the house there were lots of kids. Wine glasses kept getting broken and there was broken glass everywhere. Part of the house was set up as a hospital because there were two little girls there with heart defects. They were twins, and their parents were michael douglas and catherine zeta jones. Suddenly someone told me that I was going to be the nurse now and that I was going to take care of one of the little girls. When I walked in the room, she was so sweet. She had glasses. But she was really mottled, and she was sweaty, and she was having shortness of breath. She was on a monitor, but she kept wanting to go out and play. Her mom thought I should take her to the ED, but she wanted to let her ride her bike. So I drove in my car, and she rode her bike, but traffic was going too fast so I was ahead of her. I was scared so I pulled over into a no parking zone to go meet her. As I parked, there were three dead racoons. Really scary racoons, with white eyes, they were just lying there, like roadkill but almost propped into positions. I got out of the car fast and went to look for the little girl as she rode up to me on her bike. As she got off she collapsed amd started to have a seizure. She turned blue. I tried to stimulate her, but knew that the ED was right across the street. I picked her up in my arms and she held on so tight to me. She woke up but her eyes were rolling in the back of her head, I ran and the nurses in the ED took her. A few minutes later she was awake and her normal sweet self, sitting up in bed. At this point, I turned to the window and my car was gone, it had been towed. I told someone sitting next to me and she laughed it off. I kept repeating to her that it wasn't funny. I started to cry and put my head in my hands. And then I woke up crying with my head in my hands.
I don't want to go back to bed because I'm scared that I'm going to dream again. I needed to write this all out because I thought if I got it out, I could sleep. I'm so tired. I just don't want to dream anymore.

Dream a little dream

I want to remember this. I want to document it. I had a dream last night. This is not unusual, however, the dream had a lot of significance. Frequently I used to dream about derek. There were two versions of said dream. The first was that derek and I would spend time together, and I would be happy, and I would ask him to let me go, and he would tell me to please just hold on a little bit longer and when I would wake up, there was always a number associated with the dream, 6. 6 what? 6 days? 6 months? 6 years? Is this how long he wanted me to wait? I don't know. The second dream was that we would be spending time together doing something, and he would have to go to the bathroom. And I would beg him to stay. Plead with him. I didn't want him to leave me alone. And he would always go. And he would always go with her. And I would be so sad again. I haven't had one of these dreams in awhile. Last nights dream was different. I was at a friends house. Derek and his significant other lived across the street. I didn't want to go over there, I was insistent on not talking to him. But I kept looking out the window. And I saw one of his friends pull up in the driveway, so I knew that he was home. And then my friend told me that him and Pam had gotten married. So at that point, I said F it, I'm going to go talk to him. So I went over to his house, and they were having a party. I let myself in. When he saw me, he came over to me and hugged me. We went outside and sat on the steps and talked. His presence was calming. Pam saw us together and gave us the opportunity to talk. I asked him why he got married. He said his sister gave him the money to propose and strongly urged him to do so and this was largely the reason he did it. I was okay with it. I wasn't hurt. Then I told him I needed a kidney. I needed a kidney transplant and no one was a match. Would he go and get tested and if it was a match, give me his kidney. He said yes.
That was it. That was my dream. I think it shows my acceptance of the situation, and in the dream he was giving me a tangible gift of thanks. He was helping me. He was showing me that he cared about my life. He was saving my life. He was giving me what he owed me. He was giving me a body organ.
Now the weird part, I went to my friends house today. And this is a friend I met because of derek. And he happened to be out with her husband. And all of the sudden, he was coming over to their house. And I was there. And in a year, we've managed to avoid this particular situation. And when they got there, we escaped out of the house. And I didn't see him or talk to him, nor did I want to. It was weird because of my dream last night. I was talking to her about it, and I told her that it made me nervous and my stomach upset. But I wished it didn't have to be that way. I realized that I'm not the one making it that way. I would be able to handle myself. He doesn't want to see me because of the fear that if his girlfriend found out she would be mad. And thats silly and sad. Because it doesn't have to be that way. But it is. I suppose I will never get a chance to tie the relationship up in a package and tuck it away in the closet. I won't get the chance to tell him what I want to, that I am happy and that I look back on our years together with a smile instead of with anger and hurt. And that sucks, because I think it would make things easier, maybe better for him. He could feel better about himself knowing that he didn't ruin me. Or maybe he just doesn't care if he ruined me or not. And I guess I have to accept that. I don't understand it. But I have to accept that I didn't know him at all, ever. He wasn't the person I thought he was.
So to him I guess I just have to say, I'll see you on the flip side...for now i'll catch you in my dreams.